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Discussion Starter #1
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day.
One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a
living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard
said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys
take a look at it and give me a bid?"

So to the back fence they all went. First to step up was the
Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did
some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900.
$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and
pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this
job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit
for me."

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2700." The
guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy
from Texas.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"


"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."


"Thank you very much for the call, sir."


The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"


"Yeah!"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Yep!"


"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a for sale sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

''Well it's quite simple really,'' says the seller, ''whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the crome. It protects it from the rain.
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, '' I have to tell you something about my family before we go in''.

''When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.''

''No problem,'' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the ******* is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mum horrified when she sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mum. ''She's got a great body,'' he thinks. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her, every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the Father backs away from the table and shouts, '' All right thats enough i'll do the damn dishes''.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
The CIA had an opening for an assasin.

After all of the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.

The man said,''you can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'' The agent said then your not the right man for the job.''

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. '' I tried, but i can't kill my wife.''

The agent said, ''you don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home.''

Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then the agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, ''This gun is loaded with blanks, i had to beat him to death with the chair.''
 

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Discussion Starter #8
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" Asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne

and Wayne"

Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S
READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the

perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I
had a near miss the other day.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky........................
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night".

The black guy says "I can't get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?"

The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night."

His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?"

The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you." Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing!

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

The white man asks, "What happened?!"

The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!"

The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?"

The black man replies, 'Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bi*ch, and take it like a dog!!"
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Father's pride!
Four friends reunited at a party after 10 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room.
The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.
The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too.
Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?
 

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Discussion Starter #12
A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the
course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
handsome Peter's flatmate, Simon was. She had long been suspicious of
a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate
than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't
suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her
just to be sure" said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote:
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M
NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THEFACT REMAINS

THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read:


DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT
YOU “DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS
SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY
NOW.
LOVE MUM
 

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Discussion Starter #13
A not so bright and more senior biker bought a brand new R1 (said he wasn't so bright or he'ld have bought a Blade!). He took off down the road, pushed it up to 120 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he

eventually looked in his wing mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights

flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" he thought as he wound it up some

more, and flew down the road at over 165 mph to escape being stopped. Then he

thought, "what the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over

to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the R1 and walked up.



"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me

a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you

go."



He looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a

Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back"



The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
 

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Discussion Starter #15
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English" .

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united ur op vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining
to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically
comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and
stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
 

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A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.''

Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like the way you think
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Haha i like that 1

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in
an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1
Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to
check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and
was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar
suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had
in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a
low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North
Sea.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff
complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on
this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer
in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked
onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming
signal back to it.
Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft
had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the
pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was,
quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to
override the automated defence system before the missile was launched
and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Good Day..."
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
 
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